Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The weather is getting warmer and soon it will be spring.  Brandon kindly fixed my motorcycle for me.  He did a bang up job.  He's the only guy in town that can get a Japanese motorcycle back into running order that I know.  I really appreciate him taking the time to help me, but I feel like I haven't done enough to help him.  Some day I can pay him back the favor.  

This year I have found myself in places I never thought I would ever be.  I am now married, and finally learning how to really be independent.  I am learning to finally think on my own.  And think about the way things make me feel.  I am trying to be a better person.  I am still trying.  I am afraid of failing, but it feels good.  
For the past several months my living situation was less than adequate.  We signed 3 twelve month leases in 3 months.  Luckily only one of them stuck.  I lived in an 1 bedroom efficiency with no working stove and a kitchen sink as big as a fish bowl only to move into a Smoke Palace in disguise.  I was threatened with lawsuits and penalties a plenty, but I squirmed hard enough because I had to.  We couldn't stay there.    I lived with my In-Laws until we finally found a place, and then we packed up and moved for the fourth time in 3 months.  It was just a little stressful, but luckily it didn't last for too long.

    I can feel myself transitioning into something different.  Sometimes it feels natural, and other times I feel conflicted.  I feel like no one really know anything about me, but I am still learning things about myself.  I have spent a lot of time thinking about my place in this world, and about how lonely and left out I always seem to feel, but a lot of it is just in my head.  It never seems to go completely away though, and I never feel like I really fit in.  


I recently had a birthday, and a lot my friends came, and I realized something.  Its not the way people look or what they are wearing or who they know that has determined who I have chosen to become friends with.  Its the way that they are kind to me and the way they treat me.  I am a socially awkward person.  Extremely awkward.  I do this incredibly inappropriate "laugh at the wrong time" and make awkward hellos.  I have a hard time with greetings I've recently realized.  Which has always made it hard for me to meet new people.  Or at least thats what it felt like, but I think I'm getting better at it.  

 Brandon has done a lot for me.  Before I met Brandon I was extremely racist, now I am better at acknowledging my prejudices.  He challenged my thinking with a wider view of social justice and concepts from expertise that intrigued me and made me question what I believed in and why I believed such things.  I know his way of thinking rubbed off on many more of the people that he is close with.  It helps me put the world in perspective and allows me to understand my role a little bit better.  

  Melissa has done a similar thing for me.  She challenged my preconceived notions of gender rolls and taught me that there is no clear "right" and "wrong" in most situations, and to stop "shoulding" on myself.  She taught me to make my own rules.  Growing up as a product of the southern church with southern "values" turned me into a bitter and hateful person which I am still battling.  I just want to be happy and conquer my emotions without bringing others down.  I don't want to take my shit out on anyone anymore.  No one deserves that negativity.    

I just don't feel like fucking hating everything anymore.  It doesn't make any sense.  Why should it bother me what someone else does unless they do it to me?  I don't want to be toxic to people anymore.  I don't want to be a "hater".  I want to encourage people to do what they love and to be earnest, honest, and to be whoever the fuck they want to be.  I don't want to be the fashion police or the gear checker.  I want to stop judging people and making assumptions about other people.  I don't want people to make assumptions about me or  my lifestyle, so why would I do that to someone else.  But I often catch myself doing just that.  I am getting better at accepting people for who they are, not who they were.  I can't change them, so why should I even care?  Waohdie asked me once, "Dude, you used to be such a fucking asshole.  What the fuck happened?".  I don't know what changed, but I'm glad it did.